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Your Jokes

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A cabbie picks up a Nun

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and

#2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

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Little Johnny Strikes Again

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
> without ears.
>
> When the Mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's
> family
> was invited over to see the baby. >
> >
> Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him
> and
> explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so
> much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said
> the
> word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back
> home.
> Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
>
> When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
>
> The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
>
> Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a
> cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
>
> "Yes", the Mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
> have
> 20/20 vision."
>
> "That's great," said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he
> needed glasses."

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Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

A cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how I work....

You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this.", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink"

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says..."I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."