Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the “president” if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy.’ So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy.’
One little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.’
‘No,’ said Obama, ‘that would be an accident.’
A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.’
‘I’m afraid not,’ explained Obama. ‘That’s what we would call a great loss.’
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: ‘If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.’
‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed Obama. ‘That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?’
‘Well,’ says Johnny, ‘It has to be a tragedy, because it sure wouldn’t be a great loss… And you can bet it’s probably not an accident either.
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25
year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that
after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because although she loves him deeply,
she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself
for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger,
her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her
bedroom door, and it’s Roger, again and he is ready for more ‘action’.
Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, you guessed it -
Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’, and, once more they enjoy each other.
As Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good for once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.’
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I’ve been here already?’
The moral of the story: Don’t be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer’s has its advantages.
Have I sent this to you already??
A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to
a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.
“I don’t know whether to watch them or the game”, he says to his wife.
“For Heaven’s sake, watch them,” his wife says.
“You already know how to play golf!”
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes
home drunk he beats me to a pulp.”
Doctor: “I have the perfect medicine for that” he said. “When your
husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it
around in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow until he
goes to bed and is a sleep.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.
Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet
tea. I swished and swished, and sure enough he didn’t touch me!”
Doctor: “You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?”
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar
stool.
One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the
hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year,
rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.
'Ah, England !' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country ... the history,
the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British stuff' ,says John.
'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the
English - they're so arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender.
John replies, 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place…
‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,’ she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! ‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’
‘No,’ she replies. . .
‘You just happened to catch my eye.’
A man boarded a plane with six kids. (gutsy guy!)
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across
the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of
those kids yours? ”
He replied,
” No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. ”
I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY!
“YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF…”
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6.. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.
You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start.
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
–Jay Leno
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
–Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s’ new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
–Conan O’Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
–Jay Leno
Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
–David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
–Jimmy Fallon
Q: What’s the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
–Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the “Cash for Clunkers” program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
–David Letterman
