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They sent my Tax Return back AGAIN because of my response to the question: “List all dependents?”
I replied - “12 million illegal immigrants; “3 million crack heads; “42 million unemployable people on food stamps, “2 million criminals in over 243 prisons and “535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”
Apparently this was not an acceptable answer
Be well, Jake
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Craig’s list ad–Read it closely folks… a good one.
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AN ACTUAL CRAIG’S LIST PERSONALS AD |
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look
after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed she could keep the two dogs
apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard some awful
howling and moaning sounds and rushed downstairs. She found the
dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so
frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, even
though it was late, she called the vet, who answered the phone in a
very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,
“Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the
male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”
“Do you think that will work?” she asked.
He replied, “It just worked for me.”
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I just turned 70)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’
He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?’
‘Oh no,’ I replied.. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’
Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
‘I said, ‘Not much… My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I said.
He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’
‘No,’ I said.
He looked at me and said,.. ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”
OMG, I’m rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Ass
Iron in the Arteries
And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I’d accumulate such wealth.
Sometimes it IS better to have a
SMALL ONE!
And you thought it was going to be rude !!
Shame on you !!
Have a GREAT DAY!
Merry Christmas !
You’ ve been Elfed !!!
life is all about asses.
You’re either covering it,
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Trying to get a piece of it,
Or behaving like one.
