CDLFreedom Jokes Page

Good Point

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I just turned 70)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’

He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?’

‘Oh no,’ I replied.. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

‘I said, ‘Not much… My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’

‘No, I don’t,’ I said.

He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’

‘No,’ I said.

He looked at me and said,.. ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?

What happens if men bake the cookies?

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”

OMG, I’m rich!

OMG, I’m rich!

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Crystals in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood

Lead in the Ass

Iron in the Arteries

And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

I never thought I’d accumulate such wealth.

SIZE does Matter ! !

Sometimes it IS better to have a
SMALL ONE!

And you thought it was going to be rude !!
Shame on you !!

Have a GREAT DAY!

Elfed!!

Merry Christmas !
You’ ve been Elfed !!!
life is all about asses.

You’re either covering it,

Laughing it off,

Kicking it,

Kissing it,

Busting it,

Trying to get a piece of it,

Or behaving like one.

stay healthy

Better than a Flu
Shot! Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea… As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated. of all things,a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones,they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. ‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. ‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it
wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground. The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.

Places I have never been

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.